Oh, I Like That

All Things Autumn and "Power Words"

Episode Summary

Autumn is here so we talk about fall and all the great things to eat and do in this most magical of seasons. They also discuss an instant classic from the Am I The Asshole subreddit.

Episode Notes

On the premiere episode of Oh I Like That, we—friends and lifestyle journalists Rachel Wilkerson Miller (@the_rewm) and Sally Tamarkin (@sallyt)—kick things off by introducing ourselves and our new show. For our first-ever segment, we talk about something topical: autumn and its glories, including their recommendations for things to eat and do in this the most majestic of seasons. Then we dive into a discussion about a recent post on the Am I The Asshole subreddit, “AITA for getting angry my girlfriend is wasting my power words on her friends?”  Finally, we close out the episode with a brief chat about fall care packages and the ritual of putting your winter comforter on the bed. 

Here's Sally's favorite baked apple recipe: Baked Apples Stuffed with Pecans and Dried Fruit

This episode was produced by Rachel and Sally and edited by Lucas Nguyen. Our logo was designed by Amber Seger (@rocketorca). Our theme music is by Tiny Music. MJ Brodie (@MJBrodieNZ) transcribed this episode.

Episode Transcription

Rachel: Welcome to Oh I Like That -- a podcast about things we like and occasionally things we don't. This is our first episode, so we're going to tell you what this podcast is and who we are. So we are both editors who have been working in lifestyle and service journalism for several years. I'm Rachel Wilkerson Miller, and on Twitter and Instagram @the_rewm. I am currently the Deputy Editor of VICE Life, and I'm also the author of two books -- most recently The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People. I also blog and write a regular newsletter at justgoodshit.com, and I live in Brooklyn.

Sally: And I'm Sally, you can find me on Twitter @sallyt. I've been an editor and lifestyle journalist for six years, and before that I was a community organizer. I live in Philly and I'm the co-host of two other podcasts: The Struggle Bus, a mental health and advice show, and Co-op Mood, a show about video games.

Rachel: On this podcast, we'll be talking about stuff we're into right now -- so, shows we're watching, things we're reading, recipes, other recommendations and things we think more people should know about, as well as our thoughts on what's going on around us, like big cultural moments and viral stories.

Sally: We also have a lot of opinions on interpersonal relationships, group dynamics, boundaries, that kind of stuff: the kind of stuff you might find on the Am I The Asshole subreddit. So we'll be talking about how to get along with other people and how to be a person in society.

Rachel: Sally and I talk about this stuff all day over text and Slack, so this is the podcast version of those conversations.

Sally: All right, so let's get into it. We're going to start out with a little vibe check. Rachel, how are you feeling? What's the vibe right now?

Rachel: The vibe is fine right now. It's not the best, but it's okay. It's Friday, which is great, feeling energized because of that. But, you know, we've got an election looming and that I think is going to make the vibe not as good as it could be for the foreseeable future. And we're also living in a pandemic. So the vibe is... the vibe is getting there, but I don't know. How about you?

Sally: Yeah. Grading on a curve of pandemic and election season, the vibe is medium, I would say.

Rachel: Yeah.

Sally: It's poor to medium. In addition to that, there was a car alarm going off on my block for a minute at like three in the morning.

Rachel: [Laughs] Oh, no.

Sally: And one of my superhuman abilities is once I'm awake, I cannot go back to sleep no matter what. So I've been awake for a number of hours that... a number of hours that doesn't make sense considering what time it is in the morning right now, so. But I will say it is Friday, which means it's almost the weekend, and I feel good about that. So I feel like on a macro level, kind of, the vibe is... fine.

Rachel: Yeah.

Sally: And on a micro level, it's like fine plus.

Rachel: Oh, nice.

Sally: Yeah.

Rachel: I think this week was a rough one for me -- I mean, it was for a lot of people, but I think, you know, we talked about, I think it was Tuesday that I texted you and I was just like: I feel really overwhelmed, I feel really like, just on edge, I feel really sad. I don't know, I was just -- not spinning out, but just like wasn't doing great.

Sally: Mm-hmm.

Rachel: And you gave me -- well, first you asked if I wanted to vent or if I wanted hopeful talk, which was a nice question to be asked. I said I wanted both, so first you let me vent and then you gave me some good advice for dealing with election despair. Which is stuff that I knew, but it was really helpful to hear it from you in that moment. So I thought it might be nice if you shared it with everyone else.

Sally: Oh, awesome. Yeah. So I mean, the first thing I did was try to explain that I'm trying to trademark hope talk because I feel like pep talk can start to morph into, like, toxic positivity. Hope talk doesn't really have the same ring to it, but we'll workshop it, we'll get there.

Rachel: [Laughs]

Sally: But yeah, so, I mean, I have found that doing like election related volunteering, and volunteering related to like, election protection and voter suppression has been really helpful. Not just for the sort of Pollyanna thing of like, "You'll feel better contributing to society!" But because when you do that stuff, you get connected with tons of other people who are also doing that stuff, and it kind of pulls the camera back a little bit and allows you to see that there are thousands and thousands and thousands of people who have the same fears as you do, but also are feeling empowered through this work. And it just connects you to hope because people are doing this stuff because they have hope that if they do it, it can contribute to change. So one thing I was suggesting was that. And then the other thing is, I believe I said divest from mainstream news.

Rachel: Yes. [Laughs]

Sally: A thing I'm a big fan of -- I mean, you are my mentor in terms of like, not looking at Twitter as much and being off Twitter. But another thing that I've been doing is not relying just on mainstream news outlets to tell me the news -- and not just to take that away, but to replace that with getting updates and emails and communications from organizers and activists that are working really hard and have been working hard for years and years and years and generations and generations and generations. Because again, it gives you this context that we are in a fight that has been going on for a really long time. And we are a part of a long legacy of people who are scared, but also taking part in a resistance. And that I think is a really important perspective to have. Not just because it makes you feel better about things, but because it actually reflects reality. And I think if I can just get really heavy for a second, I think that something that white supremacy and capitalism wants us to do is be alienated from our power and alienated from our innate wisdom about justice and alienated from one another. And when you connect with activists who are actively rejecting that, you just start to feel a different way. You start to feel connected to other people, you feel connected to your own power, connected to the idea of justice. And it's the thing that is getting me through. It's been getting me through things since like November 9th, 2016, but it's also been really helpful during this election season and this past summer.

Rachel: Yeah. I think it's really good advice. And I think one thing that I've been heartened by is since 2016, people are doing the work. And so I'm really excited that the message of, like, get involved, you can do something, is out there and people are doing it. And so I think that's what's really exciting to see, is that everyone's doing stuff and you're picking the things that work for you and make sense for you and that you can do and doing them. And we need people doing all sorts of things and you can probably find something that works for you, whatever limitations you have, whatever causes you support the most, there's probably something you can be doing. And so I think, I don't know, I've been really excited by how many of my friends are text banking or making phone calls who weren't four years ago. And I don't know, there's a change happening and it's, I don't know, there's like a civic engagement happening that's really reassuring and it feels really good to be part of.

Sally: Totally. Yeah. I totally agree. I feel strongly that it's a very good sign.

Rachel: Yeah, I hope so. But until then, I'm going to spend the weekend doing more stuff and staying off Twitter and hopefully that'll make for a better vibe overall.

Sally: Yeah. I'm going to bury my phone in the backyard or something.

Rachel: [Laughs]

Sally: Okay. So now that we've established our vibe check, let's move into our first kind of main segment, which we are calling "Chatting about a thing", which... We don't need to explain too much what that is, because it's exactly as described. And the thing we're going to be chatting about is fall shit.

Rachel: Fall is here. Everyone is excited about-- well, not everyone, but most people I think are pretty excited about this. It is a very beloved season, a very welcome season. And yeah, let's start off: just, what are your thoughts on fall, Sally?

Sally: So here's the thing about fall that I really like -- and this is, I think very specific to someone who's lived in the Northeast basically all of their life with a couple of exceptions -- which is that the seasons changing remind you that you're but a pawn in Mother Nature's game and like, whatever Mother Nature throws at you, you have to deal with it. And I think that fall is the best example of this because in the Northeast in particular, but in other parts of the country too, you go from kind of a crushing oppressive humidity to a bitter, bitter cold. And that in and of itself reminds me that Mother Nature is in charge. But also the fact that she -- I'm really into personifying Mother Nature right now, this is new for me, but I'm just going to-- I'm going to go with it.

Rachel: I'm fine with it. Nothing matters right now. [Laughs]

Sally: Exactly. The fact that she gives us just, like, a short period of time when it's temperate and cool and neither oppressively hot nor oppressively cold, but then yanks it away from you. First of all, it's just a power boss ass move. Mother Nature is HBIC.

Rachel: [Laughs] Uh-huh.

Sally: But also, it just kind of reminds you that, look, this shit is bigger than you, you know? Like, deal with the weather. I'm sorry that you're only getting a little bit of, you know, nice, enjoyable, delightful weather, but you're not in charge. I'm in charge. Okay. So anyway, that's my treatise on fall. And actually, as I thought about this, I had another, like, one hundred things to say, but I don't want to get into all of them here. I want to hear what your fall thoughts are, Rachel.

Rachel: Well, I completely agree that it is a time when sort of nature reigns supreme, in a good way. I feel like it's a time where you can sort of... I mean, you can feel awe anytime, but I think fall is a time when awe is an emotion that's a lot more present. And there's something really sort of overwhelming, humbling, and lovely about seeing things like the leaves changing or light streaming through the trees and like...

Sally: Yes.

Rachel: There's something about it that just does feel really special and sort of magical. So I think that that is absolutely correct. I also think this year I'm thinking of fall as truly a time to prepare for winter more than ever. I wrote a post about this for VICE recently, but I think this is the time to prepare for winter. We know that this winter is going to be rough. Like, that's been said for the past several months since the pandemic began. And so I'm spending this fall really looking ahead and thinking, okay, what are the things that in three months I will wish that I had done when, you know, the supply chain was still relatively operational, while certain items hadn't sold out yet? How can I be thinking ahead a little bit? One thing I'm thinking about is, you know, making sure that we have canned goods and some pasta and things like that -- not by going to the store and clearing out the shelves, but just adding a little bit every week so that you're building it up. So thinking about what are some things you can do now, whether that's getting warmer gear so that you can see people outside or whether it's making some changes to your home set up so that you can be more comfortable if you're working or studying from home. What are the things that you can do now to really set yourself up for success, or just the least bad version of the winter that we're probably going to have?

Sally: Yeah. That's so awesome. I'm really, really glad that you wrote that and that you brought this up because it wouldn't have occurred to me. Like, the way I 'prepare' for things normally -- prepare in quotation marks -- is just feel really anxious about them and ruminate about them but not actually do anything to prepare. So since you have been talking about this, I've been thinking about the things that I want to do to prepare for winter because, you know, it's going to be... I feel like it is going to be pretty dark. I feel like, you know, we'll likely have a spike in coronavirus cases. I think, you know, it's going to be tougher to spend time outside, whether that's seeing people or just like going for a walk, which I think is going to make us all feel more cabin fevery, it's going to be dark. There's just a lot of things to anticipate. So one thing that I've been thinking about, I found that in the beginning of the pandemic -- when we were still under stay at home orders and things felt really surreal, and it felt very shocking to be in the middle of what was happening -- I found myself rewatching my favorite shows, and listening to podcast episodes that I knew really well. And I realized that what I was doing was consuming all this media where I knew how it was going to make me feel. And it wasn't a time for me to branch out and try a new show because you never know if, like... You know, I tried to read that book Severance, have you read that?

Rachel: Yeah, I read it.

Sally: Okay. So I got three pages in and I was like, Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This is about an apocalyptic virus or something.

Rachel: Yeah.

Sally: I was like, so this isn't actually... Let me not try something brand new and untested, let me go back to the things where, not even necessarily only the things that make me feel warm and fuzzy. Maybe I want to feel like a sense of suspense, and I know that this show is going to do it for me. Or I want a story to be told to me, whatever. So what I'm doing is basically coming up with an archive of my favorite things that I can go back to and just have on deck. So I think I'm probably going to, like, start a rewatch of like a very absorbing TV show. There are some podcasts that I re-listen to, but only like once every year or couple of years, so that it stays fresh. So I'm going to do that. So, I mean, that's my thing. Media consumption is a big part of my life. So I'm going to make that a big part of my winter.

Rachel: I love that. I think that's a really good plan. I think that... Everyone, I think, needs sort of a feel-good list or sort of tried and true things to turn to, because I think it's so easy when you're feeling stressed to forget everything you know about what makes you feel good or feel connected or whatever. So just putting that list together when you're clear-headed about it and not in desperate need of it at the moment, I think is a really good idea that you can just have that to refer back to.

Sally: That is so real. Yeah. That, like, forgetting that you have access to knowing how to make yourself feel better, man. Yeah, totally.

Rachel: We haven't done this specific thing before, but I think most of us have had bad seasons before and bad times before. So we do have some of the tools for coping that we can adapt to this time or, you know, bring back in some small way. So I think it's really helpful to think about what has worked for you in the past and how can you incorporate that or sort of remix it to make sense for this time of our lives.

Sally: Totally. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Rachel: So kind of on that note, one of the things that I love about fall is the sense of, you know, it's the new school year. There's a bit of, sort of a self-improvement, new year new me vibe in the air and also a back to school and being studious vibe. So for me, it's a really good time to set some new goals, read something new, read some kind of self-help or something to that effect. So I started a new book the other night called The Power of Ritual, which is exactly what I want this time of year. I'm only a little bit into it, but already-- I started reading it the other night and I was like, this is exactly what I want right now. And also I think a lot of people have been kind of struggling to read this year. And so just, it was the day that I was feeling particularly down. And so I was like, I'm going to try to read instead of reading news or being on my phone, doing anything like that, or even watching TV. And it was just like, lit a couple of candles and turned all the lights on in the house so it was really cozy, and we put on some music and I just sat there reading. And I felt so much better afterward, because the tone of this book is also really warm and gentle and lovely and just very kind. So it was a perfect combination. But I think this is a great time to pick something to read that you feel like will set you up to have a good fall or winter. Or not, but just I don't know, like I said, I think it's a good back to school... You know, I think that transcends being in school and for me, it's still like, I want to do that. I want a new curriculum for the year ahead. So that's one of the things I'm doing.

Sally: Totally. That's awesome. I love that. I love also just getting all cozy and--

Rachel: It was great.

Sally: Making it a thing. It's not just like you're picking up a book and plopping down, but you're making your environment all nice and stuff.

Rachel: Yeah, just like settling in. So that was great. Windows were open. That's always the best feeling when you can just have the windows open and it's cool and fresh inside. It was wonderful.

Sally: I love that. So one of my favorite things -- I'm really into apples, Rachel.

Rachel: [Laughs]

Sally: Which you know.

Rachel: I do.

Sally: Anyone who knows this about me, I kind of overdid it and now I'm not as into apples as I used to be. I think I honestly just ate too many apples in the last few years. But one thing I highly recommend for fall is getting into apples if you're in a place where there are orchards, because you can become like a sommelier. There's so many different kinds, there's an awesome website called orangepippin.com where you can research different varietals and you can start a journal with tasting notes and stuff like that.

Rachel: Wow. That's hardcore.

Sally: Yeah. I mean, look. I am not fucking around, we're talking about apples here. And you know, a huge thing to do in the fall in the Northeast -- and probably in other places too, but I don't know because I've never lived there -- is going apple picking, which is a really good thing to do right now, particularly because it's a thing that you can do, you know, it's an outdoor thing you can do. And you can throw on a mask and go to an orchard, especially, there are a bunch of ones that are doing timed entry. So I highly recommend doing that just as an activity to get you out of the house. And then, you know, I don't know, man. I love learning about new things. I like to get really obsessed with something for anywhere from like one month to a decade.

Rachel: [Laughs]

Sally: And just invest every spare moment of my energy getting involved in it. And apples... I mean, anything that you eat or drink, I feel like you can do this with. Like, you can get really obsessed with it and be the kind of annoying but also impressive person at the party who is telling you about the tasting notes or whatever. And it's really surprising when you start paying attention to what you're tasting and the flavors and the flesh and the skin, it's like a whole thing. And then you can also talk to the people that grow the apples, which I used to do at the Union Square farmer's market all the time. And there was this orchard that was always there that I love called Sam Scott orchard and the woman who was in charge of it, I think eventually became... I think she wanted to eventually get a restraining order against me.

Rachel: [Laughs]

Sally: But before I made it really weird, we would have a really good time talking about apples. So, I mean, I guess what I'm saying is, get into apples, go apple picking. I have a really good baked apple recipe that we'll put in the show notes that I love. So just, all things apples, it's just a great autumn. And you know, if you can't go to an orchard, if there's not one near you, or for whatever reason, it's not your jam, you can also do this at the supermarket. Because in the fall, the stores will have different kinds of apples. You can get into it there too.

Rachel: Yeah. I love that. I think that also kind of hits on what I was saying earlier -- that autumn is a time where you can feel a little bit more connected to nature or something that feels a little bit more spiritual. And I'm going to maybe take it too far, but there's something about like, knowing that there's all these different varieties of apples that just exist in the world through, like, the magic of nature that I think is like one of those things that you're just like: "Wow, I'm just eating this apple. Isn't this glorious?" I don't know. I think that if you let that in, it can be really overwhelming and lovely. You know I feel this way about peaches in the summer, and I feel like apples is the next thing about that where we're just like, this is perfect. This is perfect that this thing exists and I can eat it. Like, isn't that incredible? [Laughs]

Sally: It's wild. And it's in a package. You don't have to... there's nothing to open. It's just, it's a self-contained piece of perfection. I'm telling you this all goes back to Mother Nature being HBIC.

Rachel: So, I like apples, I genuinely... I don't want to say I love apples after hearing how you talked about them. I think that I have to put my appreciation in check. But I am thinking about pumpkin this year, as well as apples. And one of the things I'm doing is making some pumpkin treats. So last year at Starbucks they had this pumpkin cream cold brew, which was my entry into getting excited about a seasonal Starbucks drink that I was like, "Oh, this is going to be the thing when this comes back next year, I'm going to be so excited for." I haven't been to a Starbucks since March and I'm not going to one anytime soon, so I'm acquiring the supplies to make my own pumpkin cream cold brew at home. I found a recipe for a copycat. And here's the thing. Not only did I need to get equipment -- I got a little milk frother which is fine -- getting all of the different ingredients for this, and then my other favorite fall pumpkin recipe, which is these pumpkin butterscotch cookies... Getting the ingredients for these two things has been an ordeal, which is probably a good thing. It's something to do. There appears to be another pumpkin shortage. I feel like this happens every few years. I'm old enough to remember back in like 2011 when all the healthy living bloggers were just so obsessed with pumpkin and then it ran out, and something like that is happening again. So my mom found pumpkin at her grocery store and shipped me like two big, huge cans of it. So I'm probably going to like freeze it in portions. Then I needed pumpkin pie spice, also couldn't easily find it, and couldn't find ground ginger to make my own, so I had to get that from a different place -- I ended up finding it at target.com, so had to order that. And then I needed butterscotch chips for these cookies and those are always really hard to find in New York, I don't know why. So my mom shipped me those too. So if you are planning on doing any fall baking, start looking now. Don't wait on pumpkin, it's drying up. A blogger friend of mine also mentioned that she's having trouble finding it and she's in Pittsburgh, so, yeah, it's spreading.

Sally: Wow, yeah. If you're going to get involved with pumpkin this season, make sure you email Rachel's mom soon so she can get you some.

Rachel: [Laughs]

Sally: That's wild. I wonder if it's, is it the trend of everyone is just trying to cozy up right now?

Rachel: I think so.

Sally: Getting ready for Thanksgiving or whatever?

Rachel: Yeah, I don't know. I did some Googling, I didn't see anything about like, "Oh, there was a bad growing season" or anything like that. Listen, there's no mainstream reporting on this yet.

Sally: [Laughs]

Rachel: I'm not sure what they don't want you to know, but, yeah. There's no real coverage of it yet, but you heard it here first, pumpkin is few and far between. If you find it, don't hoard it and sell it for $30 a can either like we had in the spring. Won't stand for pumpkin price gouging.

Sally: Absolutely not.

Rachel: But given the way this year is going, I'm sure some enterprising person is already filling a U-Haul with pumpkin to sell for an outrageous amount to those of us who just want to have a nice pumpkin treat this fall.

Sally: Yeah. Did you see these Facebook ads in like March and April of these companies that were fake selling hand sanitizer and wipes and stuff like that?

Rachel: No, oh my God.

Sally: It was, yeah, it was, it was like: "We have it, we have it in stock" and then you would look at the comments and it would just be like hundreds of people being like, "I got scammed. Don't."

Rachel: [Laughs] Wow.

Sally: So if you start seeing Facebook ads for canned pumpkin, just, you know, be cautious.

Rachel: Yep. Be wary. [Laughs]

Sally: But yeah, breaking news: What big pumpkin doesn't want you to know. Tune into Oh, I Like That, we'll keep you posted.

Rachel: [Laughs]

Sally: Another seasonal thing that I'm really into in autumn is Halloween decorations.

Rachel: Ooh, yes.

Sally: Okay. Now, I was never this person who got really into Halloween. And I'm going to admit to finding it a little cheesy when people would get really into it, like when you would go to their home and all of a sudden they had, like, a bunch of ghosts and skeletons and stuff like that. But something, some switch flipped in me where not only have I stopped thinking that it's kind of cheesy, I've now just wholeheartedly become-- it's really now just a big part of my brand that I'm just really into creepy Halloween decorations. Part of it is that I went to Spirit, the Halloween store, last year with my friend Carl. We went on October 30th, which I do not recommend.

Rachel: Oh, no. That's too bleak. It's just too much.

Sally: It was very overwhelming. Yeah, it was like Times Square. But what I discovered is that there's so much awesome Halloween stuff. There is really chintzy, whatever stuff. But for example, I left with these big zombie hands that go in the front, we have them in our front yard. They're pretty big, they're a couple of feet high, and I've started decorating them seasonally. So I kept them year round, and when it was Christmas time I got little tiny Santa caps and I put one on each finger. And then for Valentine's Day, I have this big felt rose, I put that there Valentine's Day. And then I made a big cardboard hand sanitizer thing and I put that out there in March. The point is, you don't have to do year-round Halloween decorations because I do think that that, you're sort of crossing the boundaries of good taste. However, I will say, I've had friends here in Philly be like, "Oh, I saw your yard on Instagram." Someone had 'grammed the zombie hands. Anyway. There's just a lot of fun stuff. There's like, you can get tombstones and skeletons and you can go all the fuck out. You can drop like hundreds of dollars on some dope ass Halloween decorations. But if you're like me you can just get these, they're called groundbreakers, which is things that look like they're coming out of the ground. I got skeleton parts and it looked like he was trying to come out of the earth, and then someone stole them. So that didn't last too long. But the point is, there's just a lot of fun stuff. And like, we don't have anything in our house, it's mostly all in the yard and out front, because we just want to be the festive Halloween house. But anyway, that's that's just a fun, seasonal thing to do. And you know, during the pandemic, election season, I'm kind of grasping at straws for a thing that's going to fill the void.

Rachel: Yeah.

Sally: So I'm basically willing to try anything.

Rachel: Yeah.

Sally: And you know, once again, this year, I think I'm going to get even more into Halloween decorations. And if this sounds remotely appealing to you, I would say check out some things you can order online and just, even if you're in an apartment and you just want to get like a little skeleton to hang on the door. Why not?

Rachel: Yeah. Our friend Tom has been just-- his theme this year is skulls. So he's just slowly acquiring different types of skulls and putting them in his apartment and hoping his boyfriend doesn't get creeped out. So, you know, just like a tasteful skull, a smattering of bats perhaps, just a little something.

Sally: I love that. Yeah. And I mean, the nice thing about these sort of Halloween decorations is that, I feel like you can go really goth, you can go really creature feature, monstery, you can just go sort of dark and weird. You can just take this in a lot of directions.

Rachel: Yeah. But you can also go to the opposite end of the spectrum which is like, the Christian girl, autumn, leaves and pumpkins and very, very cozy, very Instagram and Pinterest friendly if that's more your vibe. So there's something for everyone.

Sally: Nothing wrong with that. Do we have other autumn things to talk about?

Rachel: I think you have sunset times on here, but that's it.

Sally: Oh yeah. Well, I just want to just say one other pitch for autumn, which, maybe this should have gone earlier in the segment, but is just that another reason that I think autumn is important to appreciate is that as far as I'm concerned, the sun sets at the right time.

Rachel: Mm. Mm-hmm.

Sally: My friend Zara pointed out to me that all I was saying there is that it's in accordance with what I want [laughs]. So it's not really objectively right.

Rachel: [Laughs] Sure.

Sally: I was like, okay, true true true. But so for example, in July and August on July 1st and August 1st in Philly, the sunset times were respectively 8:32 PM and 8:13 PM. And that's just too late.

Rachel: No. That's not right.

Sally: Like, look, we get it summer. It's light out late. It's enough. It's not supposed to be light that late. Then December 1st, the sunset time in Philly was 4:36 PM, which is also way too early.

Rachel: Yeah. That's so early.

Sally: It's not-- that's daytime. It's so early. On October 1st, sunset time in Philly was 6:42 PM.

Rachel: Beautiful.

Sally: Perfect.

Rachel: Perfect. That is right.

Sally: It's correct. Like, seven o'clock is when it's supposed to start getting dark. And I realize I'm going against what I said earlier, which is that it's really cool when Mother Nature just shows you who's boss, but whatever, we can contain multitudes, I can contradict myself and I can hold those contradictions, Rachel.

Rachel: Yep. You can, we both can, we all can.

Sally: We can and we will.

Rachel: Yep.

Sally: Okay. So now that we've talked all about fall and why it rules, let's move on to our next segment, which we are calling “Group chat”. Group chat to me has a dual meaning, which is, we're going to talk about group dynamics and relationships, that kind of thing. Also, it's the kind of thing that I think you talk about in your group chats with your friends.

Rachel: Absolutely. We've talked about this in the past, but I am obsessed with the social dynamics of reality TV shows. I think both of us and everyone we know is obsessed with reading advice columns, and people giving advice or asking for it on the internet. And those are like the thing that great group chat conversations are made of -- I mean, like, text, literal group chats, but also what this segment will be about.

Sally: Yes, totally. Well said. So we decided to have our first ever group chat segment be about an I would say already classic, instant classic post on Reddit's Am I The Asshole subreddit. Some of you will know this post just by hearing the phrase 'power words'.

Rachel: [Laughs]

Sally: But for the uninitiated, the post isn't that long, so I think I'll just read it. Okay. So the headline is: Am I the asshole for getting angry my girlfriend is wasting her power words on her friends? So here's the post: I, 30 male, have been dating my girlfriend Jean, 21 female, for about a year now. Part of what I love about her most is that she's so supportive of me. I'm stuck in a dead end job, really unhappy with where I am in life currently. So getting to hear her talk me up and tell me how awesome I'm doing is probably one of the few things that actually gets me through the day. When she tells me I'm great I call those power words, because knowing someone as hot, successful and cool as she is thinks I'm doing good really gets me fired up. Recently, we got together on a Zoom meeting with some of our friends. One of our friends, Trish, was mentioning that she was nervous for a driving exam so Jean was trying to reassure her, which would be fine, except she used the exact same phrasing she uses when she's powering me up. I got really upset and stayed quiet for the rest of the movie. When she asked me what was wrong, I told her the truth. I feel like she shouldn't be wasting my power words on other people. I need them most, and when she says things like, "Oh, I think you're the most incredible guy ever" and then goes and tells her friend that she thinks she's incredible, that's really disheartening. It makes me feel like nothing she says is real. I've got a big project at work coming up soon and now I can't get hyped because I know whatever she tells me is meaningless. I've really hurt her feelings by saying her platitudes were meaningless, but I just feel betrayed. Am I the asshole?

Rachel: Sally? What do you think, is this person the asshole?

Sally: Rachel, this person is the asshole. The end.

Rachel: Yeah. That's... real open and shut case here. Honestly though, hearing that, asshole isn't the word that comes to mind for me. It's like, you're just a baby.

Sally: You're "baby"?

Rachel: This is so immature. First of all, it's a compliment or perhaps an affirmation. The term power words is incredibly, uh... it's interesting is all, that he feels the need to think of them as power words. And I think it feels very, like, affirmations for boys. It's just, I don't know, embarrassing, cringe -- I'm cringing listening to him talk about this in these terms. It's really immature.

Sally: Yeah. I mean, all of the adjectives you just used I think are totally right on. And it totally does -- affirmations for boys is perfect. It reminds me of when you see an ad for Greek yogurt, but it's for men.

Rachel: Yeah.

Sally: And it's called, like, power yogurt or something.

Rachel: Yeah. It's protein packed and it's 'for big muscles'. It's like, okay, we get it. Yeah.

Sally: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, yeah, just power words as a phrase is kind of amazing for that reason. The other thing is that there are so many specific things in this post that are in and of themselves red flags about the kind of person this guy is, that it's like power words ends up being actually like, oh, you buried the lede. Because when I read this, I actually see that you're incredibly immature, selfish, and requiring like... your girlfriend is kind of an instrument that makes you feel a way about yourself.

Rachel: Yeah. Also, we can't overlook the fact that this guy is 30 or 31, and his girlfriend -- he's 30, she's 21. Obviously at this point that's kind of a trope of these subreddits, but when I see that I'm immediately like, what's going on here? When I was 30, I don't even know if I had any friends who were 21. Not because I wouldn't be friends with a 21 year old, but I would never want to date a 21 year old. That is just such a big age gap, you're in such different life stages. That raises so many questions about what his deal is. And so the fact that not only is he 30 and dating a 21 year old, he's also upset with her because she's not hyping him up enough for his big presentation. Like, I don't know, maybe it's because she's still in college?

Sally: Right, right.

Rachel: Like, what's going on?

Sally: Yeah, yeah. I think it's really tough to read this and not feel like there's a lot of stuff that can be kind of understood through the fact that there is this age gap, because he's almost like a parody of an immature man-boy who needs like a mommy wife, you know, to get him through the day. I think you can accept the kind of reality, the trope of men with much younger women, there's often something going on there that is something like this, or maybe something creepy or whatever. But of course there's also people who have big differences in their ages and it's not weird and creepy, or bad, or an indication of something that's off. But the thing is when you read this, you're like, oh, well you are fulfilling--yYou have been sent by central casting to be the immature older dude that's dating a younger woman who is both his mommy and his girlfriend.

Rachel: Right. So whenever I read these, I tend to think, what should everyone involved have done instead? Or like, what is the most generous view of this person? And I think that if he had said, you know, my girlfriend always gives me really specific compliments that are really meaningful to me and then I heard her turn around and give those exact same, highly specific compliments to her friend, and I was kind of bummed out about it so I asked her about it. That would be a very different thing. And like, that's not what happened here.

Sally: No, right, right.

Rachel: Not at all. And I don't think it's that he couldn't articulate that. I think that just isn't what happened here. But that would be a reasonable thing. So I don't want to say that he's a complete asshole for being a little bit miffed about something of this nature, but it doesn't sound like these quote-unquote power words were that specific, ultimately. Like, saying somebody is incredible is not the same as saying, "You are the most talented public speaker I've ever met. I'm so impressed by all of the presentations you've shown me that you've done at work in the past. I know this one's going to be great because all of them are," and then turning around and saying the same thing to a friend about their work. Like, yeah, that would feel a little bit weird, but it doesn't sound like that's what was happening here. It sounds like she used the word incredible. Maybe he didn't go into enough detail in this post, but he seems like the kind of guy who would say specifically what it was. So I'm getting the sense that that's not what happened here. But yeah, it's fine to feel a little bit bummed if something you thought was specific to you from your partner was not, but I don't think that's what was going on.

Sally: No, it doesn't seem like it was. And of course if someone is like "You're the best Scrabble opponent I've ever had" or "You make the best cocktail I've ever tasted my life" and then you hear them saying to someone else that they make the best cocktail, they're the best Scrabble opponent, of course that makes you wonder how genuine the compliment was in the first place. But like you said, that's not what is happening here. And then the other thing is that he also talked about feeling betrayed and he's like, "I feel like I hurt her feelings by saying her platitudes were meaningless." I can't imagine turning to a supportive partner and being like, "Your platitudes are meaningless." It's like taking it to eleven right out of the gate.

Rachel: Right. It's... yeah, buddy, you're the asshole. Come on, what are you doing?

Sally: Yeah, yeah. This dude, if you... a thing that I find kind of funny and entertaining about this is that in the Am I The Asshole subreddit, you're not supposed to downvote assholes. You're actually supposed to upvote them so that more people see it and weigh in on it. So this was upvoted 886 times. And he has a Reddit karma of 445, which means that he's been downvoted so much that his karma is lower than the number of upvotes he got.

Rachel: Wow.

Sally: Which I just, you know, Am I The Asshole is kind of a magical place in many ways. And one of the ways that I think it's magical is like, a community of people coming together specifically to tell a man how he's an asshole with respect to the way he's treating a woman in his life.

Rachel: Yeah, yeah. I think that is part of what makes it so satisfying to read is that the judgment is so swift, in the correct way, as the way it should be. Particularly with these older men who are just assholes, but not always even older, but often. But just men who treat women badly are often very quickly told, yeah, no, that's absolutely not cool. You need to stop this right now.

Sally: Right, right. Yes. The judgment is swift, it's decisive, and it's also, I think the other aspect of it that's very rewarding as a reader of the Am I The Asshole subreddit is that I feel like we could do an interesting taxonomy of the kinds of posts you get on this and the kinds of assholes there are. But one thing that you see a lot is, it's oftentimes men posting these Am I The Asshole questions that they should be embarrassed to have done, and they should be embarrassed to even share.

Rachel: Yeah.

Sally: Because they're so clearly the asshole, but they need arbitration. Like to them, it's not clear. And so they're -- like, can you imagine being this asshole and articulating this, and not realizing that you're the asshole?

Rachel: Like sitting down and writing that out and still having the question of, am I right?

Sally: And still having the question, right. It's like, it's not enough. First he did this. Then he sat down and wrote the question, then he posted it.

Rachel: Right.

Sally: And then in the comments, he kind of defended himself and tried to expand on his point. And I think that's another... I guess maybe this is part of the schadenfreude of the Am I The Asshole subreddit. But there is something very rewarding about the clueless having a mirror held up, basically.

Rachel: Yeah. Because they're coming in there. I don't think you would post there if you... this isn't universally true, but I think a lot of people posting there want the arbitration because they think they're going to be not the asshole. And so to have everyone-- what does that feel like to be so confident, and then have everyone be like, absolutely no. You are the asshole.

Sally: Right, right. So confident that you're like, "I call them my power words."

Rachel: Yup.

Sally: It's like, dude, uh-uh, no. I don't know, anything else to say about this Am I The Asshole?

Rachel: I don't think so. I think he's the asshole and I will be thinking of power words for a long time to come.

Sally: I also will. Please, also, we're going to explain how to contact us in a little bit, but please write in if there's an Am I The Asshole thread that you want us to talk about.

Rachel: I would love that.

Sally: Yeah, please, please write in. So we can do that.

Rachel: Yep.

Sally: Okay. So now that we've banged our little judge's gavel and we've ruled him the asshole along with, like, all of Reddit. Let's move on to our last segment, which we are calling "A nice thing to end on".

Rachel: Great.

Sally: Yeah. So, just something that we're thinking about, or something that we saw, or something that we're excited about. Just a nice thing to wrap up the show. So Rachel, do you want to kick us off?

Rachel: Yeah. So my nice thing to end on this week goes back to our earlier segment about fall. And one of the things that I am doing, that I have been looking forward to since the end of summer and now it's finally time, is I'm putting together little fall care packages for my friends. So just collecting little things, kind of like stocking stuffers that are fall reminiscent and that acknowledge that we're moving into a new season. This is something I'm sending to people who have been mostly staying in, so I feel like it's a little bit a way of saying, here are some things to make your fall indoors a little bit nicer, to mark the season, even though it feels bad. So I got a postage scale over the summer and a printer so that I can send packages from home. I've wanted one for so long, and that is what -- the scale, not the printer, but the printer also was high on my list. So these two things together make it possible to send packages without having to go to the post office. So I'm super excited about it. And, Sally, you should be receiving yours maybe today, actually.

Sally: [Gasps]

Rachel: Yeah. I'm really excited, based on some of the things you said in this episode, I'm really excited about things in your care package.

Sally: Oh my God. I'm so excited.

Rachel: Yeah. So what's your nice thing to end on?

Sally: So awesome. So my nice thing to end on, it's pretty simple. It's maybe pretty banal, but the ritual of the changing of the seasons is one can mark by the comforter coming off the bed or going back on the bed, depending on the temperature. In our home and our bed we have sheets, as many people do, and then over the summer when it gets warm, we take off our big old comforter that's in a nice duvet. Because you know, when the weather gets warm, it starts to feel oppressive so you rip it off and you put it away. Now it's like, cool. And it's time to bring it back on.

Rachel: Yeah.

Sally: So we took the comforter out and I have to tell you that the first night you go to sleep under the comforter and the first morning you wake up in the comforter, it's so cozy. Just feeling the weight, the extra weight of that. And you know, when it gets later into winter, it's so bitterly cold that your experience of being under the blankets is like, "Oh God, please. I just don't want to expose any part of my body."

Rachel: Right.

Sally: And you're kind of fixated on that. But when it's early in the fall and it's just a little cool, you just need a little something because there's a crisp breeze coming in through the window. It's just the coziest, nicest feeling. It makes me totally understand why people like weighted blankets because even the extra weight just feels so nice. You really feel like you're being held by your comforter.

Rachel: Yeah. That's great. This is reminding me that I think we stayed in an Airbnb last winter that had a really lovely duvet on it to the point where I emailed the owner, or messaged him through Airbnb, and was like, "Where are your pillows and duvet from? Because it's so lovely." They were from Ikea. And we were like, okay, let's buy that from Ikea. So this is reminding me that I want to do that soon as a little way to prepare for winter. Because it was so fluffy and everything you're describing I'm like, that was this comforter. I need to own it.

Sally: So nice. So nice. Okay. Well I think we achieved our goal of ending on something nice, between the care packages and the comforter.

Rachel: Yeah, that was wonderful. I feel good about my day ahead.

Sally: I do too. I might just go get under the covers.

Rachel: [Laughs]

Sally: Okay. So thank you so much for tuning in the first episode of Oh I Like That. Please rate us and review us on iTunes and wherever else you listen to podcasts -- that really helps the show.

Rachel: You can also follow us on Twitter @OhILikeThatPod or email us at ohilikethatpod@gmail.com. And then if you want to follow either of us, I am @the_rewm and Sally is @sallyt. We hope you'll say hi, send us your favorite Am I The Asshole or advice column questions, and keep coming back for more.

Sally: Heck yeah. Oh I Like That is produced by Rachel and Sally and edited by Lucas.